How to change a community.

“What we do around here” - my favorite definition of culture. 

I’ve stepped into homes, businesses, and churches where generosity was the culture.

Similarly, I’ve stepped into homes, businesses, and churches where generosity was not “what we do around here”.

And I’ve found the common denominator. 

People.

So if you’re a part of any or all of the three, you have a shot at making generosity “what we do around here”. 

You have a chance to change the culture and change a community.

Some people want to be seen..

Recently I spent a week with an incredibly generous couple. Fifty seven years of marriage.

Still happy. Still in love. 

As I sat back gleaning from their wisdom, I wondered how generous two people have to be to produce a marriage so healthy, for so long. 

Thankfully, I never asked. 

I watched how generous they were with each other. 

And I listened to how generous they were with others. 

Seamlessly. 

Almost as if it was done in passing. 

Very casually, simply a way of life.

A quiet generosity, yet at the sametime, impactfully loud.

Picture me..

listening to a story about their favorite restaurant, and out of the corner of my ears I hear mention of a woman whom they met. She was lonely, didn’t have any family, and they decided to spend time with her, and take her to her favorite restaurant once a week for lunch.

Or the story of the woman who was dying of cancer with all her family overseas, and how they volunteered to be her caretakers. 

Or the times they were executors of estates for friends and refused to accept payment. 

None of these were the main story. All mentioned in passing.

But..

Wow!

The unordinary seemed so ordinary to them. 

If you look into their marriage, and listen to their stories, deep down you’ll find one thing..

And in a world full of selfish attention seekers, it’s amazing how much it stands out. 

Unintentionally.

Your reward for generosity.

But there is a reward. 

The irony of yesterday’s post..

Even if the school doesn’t give a reward for perfect attendance. 

The reward is practicing showing up. 

And the reward for showing up is putting oneself in position to learn.

And the reward for learning..

+ the rewards in building relationships with teachers and peers.

Often, the greatest reward is not the one being advertised.

Not the one you’re chasing.

Not the immediate one. 

It’s often hidden and unknown.

It reveals itself when least expected. 

It’s not from an outside source. 

It’s embedded.

………..happening in real time.

P.S. I received this reward 25 years ago, yet this wasn’t the real reward. Which probably explains why my name is spelled wrong. 😊

Sorry, no reward for that.

Stretched out at the dentist office, I listened as my dentist and her assistant spoke of her up-coming retirement. 

“In all my years working I’ve never called out sick.”

Her perfect attendance reminded my dentist of the perfect attendance awards she received as a child. 

In which the assistant replied..

“There were no attendance awards when I was coming up, perfect attendance was expected.” 

Which reminded the patient of generosity..

“Imagine a world where generosity never calls out sick, and is so commonplace it doesn’t expect a reward.”

They’re watching to see how you treat you.

My eyes squint whenever I hear someone declare how generous they are.

I want to see their heart. 

I want to see how they treat themselves.

Often what follows is some version of them being tired or being taken advantage of. 

Which makes me wonder how generous they truly are.

Are they so generous they forgot to be generous to themselves?

But isn’t that where generosity begins? 

A decision you make, about you, others, and your work?

Upping the generosity every time

You’re probably familiar with the term upselling..

To persuade a customer to buy something additional or more expensive. 

But what if there was a such thing as upgiving..

To give something additional or more “expensive” without being persuaded.

We make it too hard

The BIG easy

By accepting all forms of payments nonprofits have made it easy to generous. 

No cash? Great, we accept debit/credit.

No debit/credit? Great, we accept checks. 

No checks? Great, we accept cash, stocks, bitcoin, time, expertise, and any other resource you have. 

There has never been an excuse not to be generous, and it gets easier and easier by the day. 

In fact, you don’t need a nonprofit to make it easy for you. 

You can make it easy for yourself. 

Does going to church make it easy for you?

What about walking past a soup chicken everyday? 

How about putting your phone away long enough to notice the person in front of you struggling to carry their bags? 

There are so many ways to be generous.

Make it BIG easy. 

For you.

Be kind enough to steal

Last night I was chatting with a new friend when she mentioned an amazing idea she’s a part of. 

Twenty women gather together, each bringing a book they love. 

Everyone gathers around and places their book on a table.

Thanks to the name tags everyone is wearing it’s no secret who brought which book. 

Around the room we go as each person explains why they chose their book. 

As one person explains, another person is saying..

“Oh wow, I need that book. That’s the book for me.” 

And indeed it is. 

If there is a book that resonates with you, that book is yours to have. 

No one leaves without giving.

No one leaves without receiving.

New knowledge. A new friend & A new book.

Oh the depth of generosity.

A paperclip and generosity.

Professor Zoe Chance decided to play a week-long game with her MBA class. 

The game is called Bigger & Better.

You start with a paperclip and trade up for something bigger and better. 

And you continue trading up for..

Bigger and better. 

Manus McCaffery and Tom Powell were two students in Professor Zoe’s class who decided to take this game to a new level. 

Bigger and better. 

Tom and Manus spent the week speaking to business owners and neighbors: 

“We’re playing this game called Bigger and Better. It’s for a good cause and we need your help..”

They made ten trades in total. 

Paper clip for gift certificate. 

Certificate for a box of cupcakes. 

Cupcakes for brooch. 

Brooch for a travel mug. 

Mug for gift card. 

Gift card for another gift card. 

Gift card for a bottle of cologne. 

Cologne for a fancy camera bag. 

Camera bag for $1500 oil painting. 

Oil Painting for a..

It turns out that the final item was too big to bring into the classroom, so they invited the class to come outside. 

And outside in front of the school Bigger and Better was written across the windshield of a Volkswagen Jetta. 

Tom and Manus had managed to persuade a car dealer by the name of Caroline Hefferman to trade a used car for the painting. 

Caroline has a history of supporting good causes, so when the opportunity to be generous presented itself, Caroline did what she often does. 

When the class thanked Caroline, feeling really good about helping, she thanked them instead. 

With the car in their possession Tom and Manus decided to call IRIS, a local refugee resettlement agency, to donate the car to a refugee family. 

And later they met the recipient - A young mom who had been working as an accountant in Afghanistan before her family was displaced by war. And now, with her new car in hand, she could travel to work without having to commute two hours a day by bus.

Bigger and Better.

That’s technology for ya!

Over three decades ago, (when I first started going to church), there were only two ways to give during offering time. 

Cash or Check. 

As technology advanced, churches began adapting, and today, all forms of payments are accepted. 

Bitcoin, Stock, Debit/Credit Cards Etc. 

But up until last Sunday, I never changed. 

Every Sunday, (and any other day I went to church) I made sure to have cash on me.

But on Saturday, remembering I had no cash, I made a mental note to go to the bank on my way to church. 

And then Sunday came..

I’m rushing to get to church on time..

And now I’m sitting in church..

“Offering Time!!!”

Boom!!!

It hit me..

I forgot to go to the bank!!!

The basket is about to pass down my row and I have nothing.

Uuuggghhhhh..

Grandma taught me better than this.

And just as the thought passes, a QR code pops up on the projector. 

I take out my phone and boom, I can still give!

Even better, they accept Apple Pay. 

Thank the Lord!

And then it dawned on me..

Wait a minute..

I just used my Amex to give an offering. 

The same Amex that gives me miles for every dollar I spend, while simultaneously increasing my status with Delta, which offers plenty of other benefits. 

Wait a minute..

You mean to tell me- whenever I give, it comes back to me?

I can’t wait to give again!

See, it’s not only you Pt2.

Things Givers Don’t Like (Updated List) 

You made it hard for me. 

So hard that I decided to remove the original four and use the gold you gave me instead. 

I went back and forth for over an hour looking for overlap, while choosing the most common and unique “Don’t Likes”.

The entire process was proof- “See, it’s not only you”. 

We are so similar. We want to give. 

But there are things we don’t like about giving. They don’t make us feel good about giving. 

And sometimes, they stop us from giving altogether. 

Generosity is giving more than is necessary or expected. 

And as I read each email it was clear, you are generous. 

Thank you.

Things Givers Don’t Like (Updated List)

1. When people give without a cheerful heart and then complain about it later.

2. Being asked at the last minute.

3. When people give and expect something in return. 

4. People who give only to broadcast their gift.

5. Not being thanked or acknowledged for giving. 

6. People who are ungrateful.

7. The lack of reciprocity.

8. Being asked to give more, just after I’ve already given. 

9. When the gift is given out of obligation and not from the heart.

10. People who see, but obviously ignore an opportunity to give.

Gold.

P.S. If you missed out on the opportunity to give to this list, and you have something to share, feel free to send me an email. I love free gifts. (mandell@givingislike.com)

A restaurant to be remembered.

37% wrong. 99% happy. 

The Restaurant of Mistaken Orders is a restaurant in Japan where all the servers have dementia. 

37% of orders are delivered wrong, yet 99% of customers are happy.

I’m thinking..

You have to be a special kind of person to willingly go to this restaurant. 

But then again, maybe all you have to do is be in touch with humanity. 

Isn’t this how commonplace generosity should be? 

Remember when we were kids and our parents would pre warn us about our behavior before we went out? 

“Ok Man, we’re going into this store, I need you to be on your best behavior. Please don’t touch everything you see. Please don’t embarrass me.” - Mom

I imagine this is what knowingly visiting The Restaurant of Mistaken Orders is like, but the restaurant itself is your warning, preparing you to be generous because generosity is expected. 

“I am about to go into this restaurant, I need to be my  most generous self. Patient and kind. Please don’t embarrass yourself.” - Man

Fine, they didn’t get your order right.

You can still get generosity right. 

(There is a place for mistakes and there is a place for generosity.)  

How can we invite both into the same space? 

It's in that space that a 90 y/o server says: “I used to think I couldn’t do this job, I’m so glad I came.” 

It’s in that space that a diner is so inspired by the staff that she asks to take a photo to show her elderly mother who thinks her life is over. 

It’s in that space that an employee says: “Living in a nursing home exciting things rarely happen, I was so excited to serve. It made me happy.” 

As far as I’m concerned, the only mistake is that more places aren’t like this.

Remember when you used to read?

Speaking of half..

1. The average Vietnamese child reads less than 1 book a year.

2. Less than 8% of Vietnamese children are frequent readers. 

In other words, most children in Vietnam don’t read. 

Enter..

“Library of Dreams”- a Creative Library Project. 

Their goal is to give books, cultural, creative, and artistic activities to children who would normally not have access. 

As of May 2023, the project has built 142 libraries in schools across Vietnam helping 46,000 children have access to books & art activities. 

As some parents and teachers put it- “Without the project, we wouldn't know when our children would be able to read and be surrounded with so many interesting and useful books.”

(Read the second half again)

Speaking of half..

After the 40th library..

the team at Library of Dreams realized that some schools could make half the effort. 

And since then, 102 libraries have been built with the help of both Library of Dreams and the participating school. 

All this makes me wonder..

Maybe the best gifts aren’t the gifts where we do all the work. 

Maybe the best gifts are the gifts where we work together.

How much generosity do they need?

I don’t watch much tv, but on the rare occasion I do, there’s a 99% chance I’m watching my favorite tv show in the whole wide world. 

Shark Tank. 

On Shark Tank, every now and then a shark will offer the presenting entrepreneur half of their asking price, and leave them to raise the other half from another shark. 

A few weeks ago while coaching in the altMBA I landed on feedback given by one student to another. Within the feedback was a link to the work of Alejandro Aravena.

Alejandro is an architect who believes in bringing the community into the process. 

For him, the process is often building homes in poor countries where people who can’t afford a “good” house are often left with a smaller house, or even worse, building blocks. 

And so Alejandro presents a question: Why not give them half a “good” house instead of a finished small house? 

Looking at it this way, we can view housing as an on-going project. 

Incremental Building. 

And so Alejandro’s company builds homes that provide families with everything they couldn’t easily build alone, (concrete foundations, plumbing, and electricity), ensures they meet legal requirements, and then allows them to expand the rest. 

Every house comes with a manual that teaches ways to expand, and families can enroll in building workshops run by Alejandro’s company. In the end families end up with a much more pleasant house than what they could have built completely on their own.

And so it makes me wonder.. 

As givers, how can we involve the people we hope to help in a way that leaves everyone whole? 

Reminds me of this list we’ve been building for the last two days. (Friday is the deadline to submit)

Email me if you want to give your half to this on-going project? (mandell@givingislike.com)

P.S. Incremental Building.

The women are responsible

I learned a few things yesterday. 

I consider them all gifts. 

But there is one I almost missed.

I think it’s the most valuable of them all. 

It hit me..

just as I sat down to write..

I noticed my heart, excited and fulfilled. 

I felt a smile on my face. 

An aha moment had landed, and it gave me clarity. 

Yesterday’s post was by far my most interactive post ever. 

I wish every post was this way, I love talking to people. 

Especially when they’re generous. 

And there were two common denominators in all the responses: 

1. They all came from women. 

2. They all were generous.

Interestingly enough, a few Sundays ago I was sitting in church when the Pastor mentioned a study that found women volunteer at higher rates than men. 

I closed my eyes and thought about the churches I’ve been a part of, and the countless churches I’ve visited..

Interesting..

And then I went on a little search, reading about women and men and their giving frequencies..

Interesting..

And so I’m not shocked women were responsible for all of yesterday's responses. 

I’m actually glad they were. 

It helped me see.

If women are more generous than men, wouldn’t it make sense they would have plenty to add to this list? 

But yet I’m curious, how do we become just as generous as women? 

Maybe we already are? 

Are there areas in which we are as generous or more generous than women?

What motivates us to be generous? 

What do we need to hear? 

What do we need to see?

Maybe it’s different for us?

(Maybe a future project?)

And maybe by highlighting a bigger issue I’ve brought forth a bigger opportunity?

We shall see..

But for now & always..

Thank God for women. 

They are responsible. 

P.S. If you are a giver (woman or man), are there things you don’t like about giving? 

Have you already added them to our list? 

If not, Friday is the deadline. Email me (mandell@givingislike.com) I’d love to add you in. 

See, it’s not only you.

Let’s make a list. Let’s call it..

Things Giver’s Don’t Like

1. Giving until they’re burnt out. 

2. Being taken advantage of. 

3. People who feel entitled to their gift. 

4. People who don’t give.

What would you add? 

If you can’t think of any others, ask the most generous person you know, see if you share similar “don’t likes”.

P.S. As we build this list, I’ll update and share the ten most common.

P.P.S. (8-25-23) Deadline to email your submission (mandell@givingislike.com)

The Problem with Generosity

Problem Solving vs Problem Finding. 

There’s a famous quote that says: 

“People don’t want to buy a quarter-inch drill. They want a quarter-inch hole!”

The problem is, we often see not having a drill as the problem, instead of not having what the drill does as the problem. 

Problem Solving vs Problem Finding. 

The idea is to find the real problem, the problem beneath the problem (often not evident), and then solving it. 

What’s the problem or future problem we avoid if we solve this one true underlying problem? 

Often I hear people say: 

“I don’t like to give because people always take advantage of me.” 

Is the problem being taken advantage of, or allowing oneself to be taken advantage of? 

Is the problem allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, or the need to feel needed? 

Is the problem the need to feel needed or growing up with no love or acceptance?

Some people solve their giving problem by not giving. (opening up a whole new set of problems)

And some people solve their giving problem by finding out what the real problem is and solving it. (opening up a whole new set of opportunities)

Their giving will never be the same. 

And neither will we. 

Generosity must be shared

If you take a trip to India you may find Tiruvallur, a city inside the state of Tamil Nadu. 

If you look inside of Tiruvallur you will find Alinjivakkam Village, a rural and economically poor community. 

If you look further inside, you will find Manisha, a 5th grader who won a national English spelling contest in spite of..

I learned of Manisha from Ashwini, a recent graduate of the altMBA. 

Among other things, Ashwini is the Volunteer CEO for Vibha, a non-profit where nearly 90% of all donations go towards a child's education. 

And because of Vibha and the generous gifts of their donors this precious young girl was able to do this. 

Now if that’s not something you can share and be proud to be a part of, I’m not sure what is. 

P.S. Here’s a proud mom.

Two sides to this story

We know “two sides to every story”, yet we often forget the other side. 

I read a one sided story today.

It was about the maker. 

The painter. The writer. The designer. 

The storyteller shared how making is a gift to the maker, and how much it changes them.

But there is another side to the story. 

Releasing. Contributing. Sharing. 

A gift to the maker, the made, and the receiver. 

Don’t forget the other side.

Everything is not for everyone

One of the most heartbreaking things to experience is someone who believes everything is for everyone, especially when it’s a project they’re working on. 

So in case that is you, here’s a gift that will save you time, energy, make your work so much better, and save me from heartbreak.

Everything is not for everyone. 

Including the thing you’re working on. 

When I started The Daily Tithe I could have reached out to any family member of mine and asked them to subscribe with 100% confidence. 

But I didn’t- I am well aware that TDT is not for everyone, including my own flesh & blood.

I am also aware that the point of TDT is not to get as many subscribers as possible.

I don’t want anyone to join because we’re family, friends, or because I’ve put them on the spot and asked them. 

And I definitely don’t want anyone to join because I’ve given them something in the passed.

I want givers to join because it is for them, or as some would say, it is them. 

And that is why I have so much love for those who have already joined.

I didn’t pick them. They picked themselves. 

They decided “this is for me.”

And they are my tribe. 

TDT is not for everyone. 

TDT is for someone. 

And in order for me to fully embrace the possibility of this gift, I have to be ok with saying..

This is not for you. 

If you’re greedy, selfish, and think generosity is a stupid idea.

This is not for you. 

This is for someone..

who loves to give..

without the need for anything in return. 

and who doesn't need to sound an alarm whenever they do something for someone. 

This is not for everyone. 

This is for someone. 

When I sit down to write TDT I don’t think of everyone. 

I think of someone. 

Whether they’re a friend, family, or the beautiful lady I met in the Caldoors parking lot who volunteers her time picking up trash. 

Isn’t that what makes a gift special? 

When you have someone in mind?

When you’re focused on that one person? 

So how do we know if TDT is for someone? 

Ask yourself this:

Who is the most generous person I know? 

Might they be that someone?

P.S. Yes it’s true, today is my birthday. Thanks for the gift. #heartfelt